Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Pocket Review of Feminine Woe, II

Below is an oft-postponed update that I began composing one month ago, and then abandoned while on a brief computer hiatus.

So, yet another off day found me in the stirrups at Ol' Doc Greening's place.  And, it literally pains me to say so, but the growth on my right ovary is perCYSTent.  I have spent four of my last five free days being pelvically examined in one way or another, and I have to say, the novelty has worn off.

Dr. Kelly Greening, being Irish and all, wasn't available to see me on St. Paddy's Day (my last off day), giving my devil cyst a full extra week to cease and decyst (I know-I can't stop myself), but it did not. However, being constitutionally unable to spend an off day without getting up early only to then recline in a supreme state of discomfort, I ended up at an overdue dental appointment on the 17th.  Foolishly,  I thought this appointment was for my regular cleaning; but instead, it was for the installation of a small filling (to replace the tooth enamel I have literally brushed away in my vigorous pursuit of oral hygeine).

As Dr. David Zipkowitz, D.D.S., came at me with what appeared to be a 10" long stainless steel syringe of novocaine, I hurriedly explained that I hadn't been planning on any anesthetic, and wanted to be able to enjoy the dinner of herb and dijon encrusted salmon, roasted asparagus, red peppers, jasmine rice, and sauv blanc from Bordeaux that I was preparing for my love and myself in two short hours.  As I writhed in the dental chair from the pain of the injection, he assured me the numbing sensation would wear off by then, as he was giving me a "light dose."

He lied.

Soooo, instead of leaving the office of Dr. Z with an Orbit clean mouth, and a newly confident smile, I left looking like Blair's mentally challenged cousin, Jeri, from The Facts of Life, complete with drooping mouth and a little bit of spittle.  Charlie said dinner was good, though. The wine definitely was.

I dutifully arrived at the gynecologist's office on Wednesday, March 24th, but though I am still having a lot of incystent (I know, they keep getting worse) pain and extreme fatigue, the purpose of this visit was to gather more information in order to diagnose my "irregular" cervix.  This didn't stop me from re-addressing the cyst issue while I had Ol' Doc Greening captive, though. "Whaddaya say we yank that thing out?" I asked, leaning to my right and balancing on my elbows while peering around my gown-draped legs.

She said that the "yanking" would be more like a "surgery", as it was pretty involved, and she wanted to wait still longer in the hope that the cyst would ease on down the road on its own recognizance.  This was not the answer I wanted to hear, but it seemed pointless to argue. Plus, I am concerned that my insurance will cover only a tiny portion of such a procedure.  However, having been reminded that the cyst was there, Dr. G decided (after administering yet another pap smear and a couple of biopsies) to wheel in my old nemesis, Twat Wand.  I shuddered a little at the sound of the metallic jingling as TW was wheeled across the unevenly tiled floor to the foot of the examination table.  It stood there impassively, a hulking, expressionless, stainless steel rectangle, while Dr. Greening subjected me to yet another wanding. Surprise, surprise - she found the cyst to still be in residence.  Her recommendation for how to proceed did not change, however.

As a result, I have taken the matter into my own hands and have begun engaging in meditation every morning. As part of this process, I envision a white lightning bolt of healing sent from the angels themselves directly to my girly parts.  I think it's working. In any event, the pain has subsided somewhat.  My current level of pain is more Happy Meal than super-sized-Big-Mac-combo-with-two apple-pies-for-a-dollar-sized.

  In addition to healing through meditation, I have been taking a supplement called "Natokinase" recommended by my friend, Niambi, who knows all remedies naturale. This is supposed to dissolve fibroid cysts/tumors, so hopefully it is working its magic on my little bundle (though said bundle was never diagnosed as fibroid).

Though I have believed all along that I am cancer-free, I was not heartened to hear Doc G say she had never seen whatever was up with my cervix in her 20 years of practicing gynecology.  That made me focus even more intently on taking care of myself.  I have done a good job, if I do say, but continue to struggle with abnormal fatigue. I am hopeful that I am now tired because of the debilitating allergy season that happens in NYC twice a year. Not being able to breathe properly really does affect one's rest cycle.

Happily, after many mornings of hurling mental lightning bolts at my vagine, I got the good word that all is normal in pap smear-land.  WOOT!  Now, on to more focused cyst-reduction.

Thanks so much to everyone for your care and concern and friendship.
I am very lucky, indeed.